Balance

I have been having a hard time balancing things lately.

Like, deep down I KNOW I am not ready for a new relationship. (I mean, besides the fact that I am not physically divorced yet, or living alone…)

I know I need a lot more work, mentally, physically and emotionally. I want to drop at least 100 lbs, because quite honestly…it is hard to find the kind of woman I am attracted to, who will date a dude my size. It sucks, yes, but it is reality. Physical attraction matters.

I know I DEFINITELY need to work on my finances and control my spending more. I am tired of being constantly broke, which I could solve if I would just stop spending money for a while and concentrate on debt elimination…yet every Friday rolls around and I find something I want or need that gives me that spike of instant gratification that my dopamine starved brain yearns for.

I know these things…and yet…

I miss being someone’s favorite person. I miss the intimacy, both talks and physically. I miss cuddling. I miss being excited to come home and know someone, who wasn’t a cat, was looking forward to seeing me.

I miss all the stuff I know I took for granted.

I went and saw one of my all time favorite bands a few days ago, and while it was fun to adventure alone, I would have had a much better time with someone to share it with, who enjoys it as much as I did. I saw couples there, displaying affection, and it made me so jealous. I don’t want to become that bitter, lonely guy.

And so I try to balance. I think to myself “One day. Hopefully sooner rather than later. Just keep plugging away and working on you.”

But the loneliness can really work it’s way into my head sometimes.

Anyway, that’s all I wanted to write at this time.

Remember, there is more to life than paying bills and dying,

and I love you all.

-Luke

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