Updates

I haven’t updated in too long.

So what has been happening?

Well, 3 weeks ago, I went and saw one of my favorite bands, They Might be Giants, play in New Haven. It was AWESOME! They played the entirety of their album “Flood”, for the 30th anniversary of it, and then did a whole second set and FOUR encores. They are going to be doing a show for their album “Mink Car” in May, and I am going to that for sure.

2 weeks ago, Christine and I went and filed for divorce. Only took about 2 hours. There is a good chance we won’t need a physical court appearance as we have no assets, kids or anything else to divide. We are taking our bills and debts and just splitting up. Took us 10 minutes to get married, and a ton of hoops and paperwork to get divorced.

I am slowly getting more and more ok with it. We don’t work as a couple. Plain and simple. After 11 years, it is time for me to find myself again, learn to actually love that self, and continue on with life. We may try to be friends after she moves out, and we have some time and space apart. That may work. It may not. Only time will tell.

So now I am just concentrating on getting myself in order. I am still in therapy, and making good progress there. I need to up my income somehow, and pay off my debts. I am tired of wasting my income, and in turn, hours of my life, with credit card minimums. I want to try to find something I can do part-time, after my regular job, and hopefully from home…to make some extra cash. If not, I guess I will have to get a second job at like…a gas station or something (ugh). I prefer not to…but also, it wouldn’t be permanent. Only until my debts are gone, and I have a stash saved up.

Anyway, that is what I have been up to lately.

More updates as they happen.

Remember, there’s more to life than paying bills and dying.

And I love you all.

-Luke

Balance

I have been having a hard time balancing things lately.

Like, deep down I KNOW I am not ready for a new relationship. (I mean, besides the fact that I am not physically divorced yet, or living alone…)

I know I need a lot more work, mentally, physically and emotionally. I want to drop at least 100 lbs, because quite honestly…it is hard to find the kind of woman I am attracted to, who will date a dude my size. It sucks, yes, but it is reality. Physical attraction matters.

I know I DEFINITELY need to work on my finances and control my spending more. I am tired of being constantly broke, which I could solve if I would just stop spending money for a while and concentrate on debt elimination…yet every Friday rolls around and I find something I want or need that gives me that spike of instant gratification that my dopamine starved brain yearns for.

I know these things…and yet…

I miss being someone’s favorite person. I miss the intimacy, both talks and physically. I miss cuddling. I miss being excited to come home and know someone, who wasn’t a cat, was looking forward to seeing me.

I miss all the stuff I know I took for granted.

I went and saw one of my all time favorite bands a few days ago, and while it was fun to adventure alone, I would have had a much better time with someone to share it with, who enjoys it as much as I did. I saw couples there, displaying affection, and it made me so jealous. I don’t want to become that bitter, lonely guy.

And so I try to balance. I think to myself “One day. Hopefully sooner rather than later. Just keep plugging away and working on you.”

But the loneliness can really work it’s way into my head sometimes.

Anyway, that’s all I wanted to write at this time.

Remember, there is more to life than paying bills and dying,

and I love you all.

-Luke

Spirituality

So I have gotten back into some of the things I cast aside for a long time…when I thought for a while that I was a straight up Atheist.

I’ve gotten back into my spiritual side a bit more. I picked up some tarot decks and oracle cards. A few select decks off Etsy, a few I found on Amazon.

Today I pulled an oracle card from the Viking Oracle deck (link to come if you are interested. Amazon Affiliates is down at the moment. Sigh.)

I asked what message the Gods have for me today. As I was shuffling, the card popped out at me. I always take this as “HERE! THIS ONE!”

I got #28 Fridgeard. (The spelling is butchered because I don’t have Nordic fonts here so…)

Reading the description in the booklet.

“`It is time to find refuge. We all need occasional respite from the chaos and pressure of the world around us. There is profound sanctity in the places that protect us. Silence is valuable, now. Secure both protection of your community and your own peace. Seek the action that will weave peace into the current situation.”

And with it is a little poem type deal.

In the quiet shade of the great tree,

I can lay down my sword,

and I can put down my shield.

As your strong shield arm is about me,

Here under your gaze all is well.

Woven into each stone and ray of sunshine

Is fridgeard,

And I claim peace.

I need to find a place of peace again. I had one for the longest time, but the property was sold. I supposed I could go talk to the new owner and see if he would be ok with me spending time on the property, as it was quite large…but it may just be easier to find a place closer and new. Either way, now more than ever, I need to find a place of peace.

Remember, there is more to life than paying bills and dying,

And I love you all.

-Luke