So for the past two days, I haven’t slept well. When I don’t sleep well, my depression kicks my ass.
So last night I had a dream, and it was quite upsetting to me.
I was with some dudes, most of them faceless. My brother and friend Tim were there. We rolled up on a party taking place in a big field, next to a pond.
For some reason, Tim and my brother, who are both happily married in real life, were single in this dream. Whatever. Not the main point.
So we are all sitting around in lawn chairs and this group of girls walks up to us all, and they each start like…picking a dude to pair off with. Eventually they all do this, and I am left there alone.
So I am sitting in my lawn chair now, alone, and I have a blanket. I cover up with the blanket and suddenly these two sisters approach me and they are both…please don’t judge me for saying this, cartoonishly hideous. They both start going on about how handsome I am and kinda fighting over who gets to pair off with me. Then I woke up.
I was just suddenly hit with this feeling like…do I really hate myself that much? I mean, chosen last, and only by these two ogreish women? What is my subconscious really trying to tell me here.
It’s not really a secret that I have never felt attractive. I have always struggled with my weight (been fat), and I have even had exes tell me years after a relationship that they weren’t attracted to me. (Ouch).
A few of my exes have been the “attracted to personality” types, more so than physical…and I know that is better. I know that leads to a deeper connection…but damn it, part of me just wants to feel attractive. Part of me wants a woman to look at me and just find me sexy. Christine would say I was handsome.
That’s what your mother calls you when you get dressed up for prom. “Handsome.”
I want raw animal magnetism.
I don’t know. Maybe it’s petty. Either way, I know I need to work on my self image. A lot.
Done rambling. Time for bed.
Remember, there is more to life than paying bills and dying.