So I have always dealt with depression, probably since I was a teen. Poor self image, lack of self esteem, the works.
This past week though…it has been damn near crippling. I have just wanted to curl up into a ball and die. Nothing has sparked interest. Life has been dull and almost grey.
I haven’t been sleeping well. I have been eating like absolute garbage. Some not-so-great things happened. The works.
But I have to climb out of this funk. I can’t just wallow around.
Today I am going over my friend’s house to change my front brakes. My driveway is sloped and has trap rock (it is so horrible), so I can’t jack my car up on it. It also gives me more hang out time with my best friend, so bonus!
I did something the other day that I am proud of. It seems like a silly thing to most, but for me it was a huge step.
Depression and addiction are the main factors in what killed my marriage. I was depressed, and to medicate, I crawled into a PC game called Ark.
In Ark, you survive and build shelters. You tame dinosaurs. You can even breed them to produce color and stat mutations. To me, it is a fun game.
But I played it too much. At my worst, I would come home from work, fire up Ark and play. I would play until dinner, often leaving the game running because I was taming something, and go back to it after dinner. I would play until it was time to sleep, often staying up too late in doing so. I was not paying needed attention to Christine.
I spent 2200+ hours of my life playing that God damned game. 91+ DAYS. Almost 1/3 of a year spent taming pixels to be my “friends.”
And often, the game brought me more frustration than it did enjoyment!
I fired it up again the other day and started playing single player. At least with single player, when you close the game, that is it. The game stops. On multiplayer servers, the server remains up, so dinos can attack your base, your animals can starve etc.
I popped back onto a server I used to play on to find all my dinos gone. The timer had gone up on them, and other players had claimed them. A large dino had wrecked a big chunk of my base.
So I started rebuilding. I tamed a Pteradon, then an Argentavis (birds).
When I logged out that night…I felt it coming back. I knew if I kept going, I was going to climb back into this game and lose a lot of the progress I have been making.
“Gym or game? Well, I am kinda tired tonight…so game it is.”
“You had a stressful day at work…and it’s cold out. Why go make something in the garage when your room is warm and the game is there?”
So the next morning…when I woke up…I fired up my PC before I headed to work…
AND I DELETED THAT GOD FORSAKEN TIME SYNC WASTE OF MY LIFE!!!!!
2200+ hours…gone. 250 gb of space freed up from my pc.
No more. I can’t keep running from my problems and climbing into fictional universes for comfort.
I can’t keep seeking comfort. The comfort zone is not where change happens. The comfort zone is where progress goes to die.
So yeah, it seems like a silly thing, but deleting that game was a win in my book. Think of it almost like an alcoholic putting down the booze.
Anyway, I just felt the need to write an entry so, there ya go.
There is more to life then paying bills and dying.