New Bed

So I bought myself a new bed.

My old bed was a twin XL mattress and boxspring, on the floor of my bedroom. I slept on it for years.

I have wanted a Purple Mattress since seeing this commercial for it.

I told myself “One day I will get one of these mattresses.”

Then this whole divorce thing started happening…and I realized two things.

  1. I really need to grow up.
  2. If I start dating again once all this goes down, a twin XL is not gonna cut it.

So I applied for financing for a Purple mattress, and I got approved!

Ordered myself the biggest one that would fit in my room, which is only a full size, but that is enough for now. I also ordered a metal frame, that can hold 2000 lbs of weight.

This is more than just a bed. It’s an investment in me. An improvement in comfort and confidence, for ME. This is literally me thinking about me for once.

And in half an hour, I am going to sleep on it for the first time, and I can’t wait. Lol.

I did this for me, I wonder what else I can do for me.

Let’s find out, shall we?

-Luke

Remember, there is more to life than paying bills and dying.

Dreams

So for the past two days, I haven’t slept well. When I don’t sleep well, my depression kicks my ass.

So last night I had a dream, and it was quite upsetting to me.

I was with some dudes, most of them faceless. My brother and friend Tim were there. We rolled up on a party taking place in a big field, next to a pond.

For some reason, Tim and my brother, who are both happily married in real life, were single in this dream. Whatever. Not the main point.

So we are all sitting around in lawn chairs and this group of girls walks up to us all, and they each start like…picking a dude to pair off with. Eventually they all do this, and I am left there alone.

So I am sitting in my lawn chair now, alone, and I have a blanket. I cover up with the blanket and suddenly these two sisters approach me and they are both…please don’t judge me for saying this, cartoonishly hideous. They both start going on about how handsome I am and kinda fighting over who gets to pair off with me. Then I woke up.

I was just suddenly hit with this feeling like…do I really hate myself that much? I mean, chosen last, and only by these two ogreish women? What is my subconscious really trying to tell me here.

It’s not really a secret that I have never felt attractive. I have always struggled with my weight (been fat), and I have even had exes tell me years after a relationship that they weren’t attracted to me. (Ouch).

A few of my exes have been the “attracted to personality” types, more so than physical…and I know that is better. I know that leads to a deeper connection…but damn it, part of me just wants to feel attractive. Part of me wants a woman to look at me and just find me sexy. Christine would say I was handsome.

That’s what your mother calls you when you get dressed up for prom. “Handsome.”

I want raw animal magnetism.

I don’t know. Maybe it’s petty. Either way, I know I need to work on my self image. A lot.

Done rambling. Time for bed.

Remember, there is more to life than paying bills and dying.

-Luke

Depression

So I have always dealt with depression, probably since I was a teen. Poor self image, lack of self esteem, the works.

This past week though…it has been damn near crippling. I have just wanted to curl up into a ball and die. Nothing has sparked interest. Life has been dull and almost grey.

I haven’t been sleeping well. I have been eating like absolute garbage. Some not-so-great things happened. The works.

But I have to climb out of this funk. I can’t just wallow around.

Today I am going over my friend’s house to change my front brakes. My driveway is sloped and has trap rock (it is so horrible), so I can’t jack my car up on it. It also gives me more hang out time with my best friend, so bonus!

I did something the other day that I am proud of. It seems like a silly thing to most, but for me it was a huge step.

Depression and addiction are the main factors in what killed my marriage. I was depressed, and to medicate, I crawled into a PC game called Ark.

In Ark, you survive and build shelters. You tame dinosaurs. You can even breed them to produce color and stat mutations. To me, it is a fun game.

But I played it too much. At my worst, I would come home from work, fire up Ark and play. I would play until dinner, often leaving the game running because I was taming something, and go back to it after dinner. I would play until it was time to sleep, often staying up too late in doing so. I was not paying needed attention to Christine.

I spent 2200+ hours of my life playing that God damned game. 91+ DAYS. Almost 1/3 of a year spent taming pixels to be my “friends.”

And often, the game brought me more frustration than it did enjoyment!

I fired it up again the other day and started playing single player. At least with single player, when you close the game, that is it. The game stops. On multiplayer servers, the server remains up, so dinos can attack your base, your animals can starve etc.

I popped back onto a server I used to play on to find all my dinos gone. The timer had gone up on them, and other players had claimed them. A large dino had wrecked a big chunk of my base.

So I started rebuilding. I tamed a Pteradon, then an Argentavis (birds).

When I logged out that night…I felt it coming back. I knew if I kept going, I was going to climb back into this game and lose a lot of the progress I have been making.

“Gym or game? Well, I am kinda tired tonight…so game it is.”

“You had a stressful day at work…and it’s cold out. Why go make something in the garage when your room is warm and the game is there?”

So the next morning…when I woke up…I fired up my PC before I headed to work…

AND I DELETED THAT GOD FORSAKEN TIME SYNC WASTE OF MY LIFE!!!!!

2200+ hours…gone. 250 gb of space freed up from my pc.

No more. I can’t keep running from my problems and climbing into fictional universes for comfort.

I can’t keep seeking comfort. The comfort zone is not where change happens. The comfort zone is where progress goes to die.

So yeah, it seems like a silly thing, but deleting that game was a win in my book. Think of it almost like an alcoholic putting down the booze.

Anyway, I just felt the need to write an entry so, there ya go.

Remember,

There is more to life then paying bills and dying.

-Luke

Masculinity

Masculinity. The word has almost become derogatory in society today.

Gillette put out an ad, video below if you haven’t seen it, and people went nuts.

Men came out to either support this ad, as I did, or to crucify Gillette for “attacking masculinity.” So many men, especially on Youtube, took it as a personal attack on manhood. They defended masculinity, saying it is not toxic. Guess what guys.

It isn’t. Nothing is inherently wrong with being a man, or your masculinity for that matter.

Dictionary.com defines Masculinity as:

mas·cu·lin·i·ty/ˌmaskyəˈlinədē/Learn to pronounce noun

  1. qualities or attributes regarded as characteristic of men.”handsome, muscled, and driven, he’s a prime example of masculinity”
  2. Similar: virility, manliness, maleness, vigor, strength, muscularity, ruggedness, toughness, robustness.

There is nothing wrong with any of the things listed above. No one is attacking you for being a virile, rugged man. No one is shaming you for being strong, tough or manly.

What is toxic, is the flip side of the coin. The things that some men attribute to being masculine, that shouldn’t be part of being considered masculine. That would be sexism, man-splaining, being a bully, attempting to intimidate women, or men for that matter, with said strength and toughness (other than in sporting prowess. Obviously you want to try to scare you opponents in a sporting match. That is just strategy. What I mean is scaring a coworker with your size because he is smaller and meeker than you.) Things of that ilk.

Basically, toxic masculinity is being an asshole. THAT is what is under attack.

It’s fine for boys to wrestle and burn off energy. In that sense, boys will be boys. It is not ok for a larger boy to pin down a smaller boy and beat the snot out of him.

Objectifying women, and making it blatantly obvious that you are doing so. Cat-calling. Not acceptable.

Shaming rape victims.

“What was she wearing?”

“Why was she out at night, alone?”

“I don’t believe she was raped.”

“She shouldn’t have gotten so drunk.”

UNACCEPTABLE!

This is the sort of “masculinity” that Gillette is speaking out against. It’s obvious to see that in the commercial. I honestly have no idea where some men got that idea that being a man was under attack.

And another thing, the pressure for young boys to “be a man” is absolute bullshit. Raising your boy to believe that men don’t cry, and that they can’t have emotions other than anger, is absolute horse shit.

I just felt like ranting a bit. I could go on for more about this topic, and I might later, but I have a delicious smelling stew in the crock pot and I am quite hungry.

Remember, there is more to life than paying bills and dying.

-Luke