As many of you know, I struggle with depression. I am on meds for it, but I still had ups and very bad downs. My brain was a vicious monster to me. Whenever I had a happy thought, a little voice would chime in with a negative retort.
That voice has been less and less lately, and if it does chime in, I quickly correct it.
So what has changed? Well, a fire got lit under my ass, so to speak.
The change in my relationship with Christine, made me realize that all the stuff I was doing, all the stories and paradigms I had in place for myself, were not working.
So I made gradual changes, and then larger changes. I am still working on even more changes. I am forcing myself to have happier thoughts, and they are bringing me even more happy thoughts.
I went back to my roots. I went back to things I know made me happy in the past. Example: The band “They Might be Giants.” For a long time, I stopped listening to them. I said to myself “Their music is too childish sounding. I need to listen to more mature artists, with more serious music.”
But the catch was, a lot of these more “mature” bands…were angry and upsetting. Music stemming from pain, and lack.
So I started listening to They Might be Giants more and more again. I made a playlist of my favorite songs, and it increased my happiness. With my background music being happier, happy thoughts came easier to me…and it is spiraling in a good direction.
I do not joke when I suggest that people read “No more Mr. Nice guy” by Dr. Robert Glover. Even if you are a woman, it can help you understand “nice guys” more.
I never realized how far into the “Nice guy syndrome” I had slipped…especially in my relationship.
I never challenged Christine. I never took the lead, in anything. I always just asked “What do you want to do?”, and even when she said “I don’t care, just choose”, I would have a hard time choosing. I was blatantly, a wimp. And I made her moods, or her problems, my own. I would care take and try to solve her problems, and tell her what I thought she should do…when in reality I should have just been listening to her. Simply listening, and letting her fix her own problems (unless she specifically asked for my help) would have helped out relationship so much.
But now I know. I am equipped and aware of my weaknesses going forward. I am actively steering myself away from this behavior. I am giving MY needs priority for honestly, the first time in my adult life. I am realizing that the only person’s problems I have to solve are my own. I am learning that I am not in charge of the mood of anyone but myself. I can still listen, and help my friends and loved ones, but only if they ask for said help. I don’t need to care take.
George Bruno talks about it at about 4:55 in this video. I was not the rock of my relationship.
I climbed into my head, soaked in my misery, and medicated with with addictions. Video games especially, but also pornography. Yes, I had a pornography addiction. Very few people knew I even watched pornography, much less that I had what would be considered an addiction. It will probably be a bit of a shock to some who read this blog, but I am no longer ashamed of it. I was exposed to porn at an early age, as most addicts are, and it really sank it’s hooks into me.
Part of ditching the “Nice Guy syndrome” is revealing your dirty little secrets and realizing that those who love you will not stop loving you because of your perceived flaws. My mind is screaming right now, “What are you doing? Why would you announce this on a public blog? People are going to hate you for it. Your grandmother might read this and be disappointed!” Well brain, this is part of healing. Deal with it.
So 49 days ago, I decided I was done with pornography, after watching many videos about what it does to the brain, and how it rewires your thoughts and even your physiology. I am proud of myself for that. It is a hard addiction to kick, but I have several tools at my disposal to help me do it, including this subreddit.
The people in this sub are VERY supportive, so if you have a problem with pornography, check this out.
It is not healthy. You will thank yourself for quitting.
Besides the health reasons, there is also just the absolute atrocity that is the mainstream porn industry. So much porn just consists of violence directed at women, blatant dehumanization, and unrealistic expectations…and this violence is just accepted by the women in these videos! A man slaps a woman, calls her a dirty whore or something even worse, and she not only accepts it, but acts like she actually enjoys it? (Some women might, that is not for me to shame, but I don’t believe it is as many women as porn suggests.) It is just plain sickening to me now, and I can’t believe it was a part of my life for 25 years.
And don’t get me started with all the other sick things that some videos glorify, like incest or rape.
Just another part of my mental and spiritual growth. Shedding old things that no longer serve me and adding new things to my life that will serve me.
I am a lot more to say, but I think this is a good place to stop for now. There will be many more posts as I declutter my mind.
There is more to life than paying bills and dying.